Seeking a Great Perhaps
I’m supposed to be a writer. Or, at least, that’s what I think I’ve figured out about myself through three years of secondary education. Which is why, looking at what I’ve produced for my old LiveJournal blog over the past three months (a paltry two postings), I decided something needed to change.
The problem with the LJ account was (and is) the feeling that I needed to produce something of substance every time I posted, rather than just letting random thoughts freely flow through my fingers into a virtual Pensieve (is it bad that I managed to sneak a Harry Potter reference into my first post?). This WordPress blog is, therefore, my attempt at just letting my brain loose.
Through recent conversations with people who blog quite more prolifically than I, my thoughts on a “diary”-type blog have changed. I was under the impression that an online journal of what I do each day would bore readers to tears. And yes, it probably would. But I’m now at the realization that maybe I should be doing this more for myself and not for people I think might read.
Plus, I think, it’ll be nice to have a record to look back on. The only other diary I ever kept was in sixth grade. It was a black college-ruled (always college-ruled) notebook with “Keep Out!” and “Open At Your Own Risk”-like novelty stickers all over the front (nothing like advertising my private thoughts on the cover, huh?). I haven’t read it in years — in fact, I’m not even sure if it’s in the place I think it is — but I’m sure there are things I could learn by reading the musings of my 12-year-old self. And it’s nice to know that I can read about what I was up to almost 10 years ago. So this blog may not be a bad idea.
The point is, I’m approaching another crossroads in my life. This one’s quite a bit bigger than the others, like Seven Corners in Hamburg. For the first time in my 21 years, I haven’t the slightest clue as to where I’ll be a year from right now. Will I be on summer vacation before starting grad school? Will I have a career-starting job? Will I be living on my own? Will I be living with my parents? Will I be in New York City?
But for now, I’m here, sitting at my computer in the newsroom at Chautauqua because it’s the only place I have internets. I’ll be sitting here nearly every day for the next two-and-a-half months. Then I have two semesters at the Greatest Place on Earth, St. Bonaventure University. That much is certain. Well, nothing’s really certain. It’s more accurate to say, “That much is relatively certain.”
The thought of not knowing what’s lurking around that corner of my life is sort of terrifying. And yet, it’s exhilarating. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff at midnight with no choice but to jump, regardless of what’s below. I like to call it the Great Perhaps, like the main character from Looking for Alaska (by John Green, a highly recommended book, by the way).
I guess this new blog is a way for me to sort out my Great Perhaps, a way to turn my thoughts into something tangible. Though I don’t want this to turn into a rundown of my daily activities, I’m not scared of it happening (Tanya and I have decided that if it’s well-written, it’s usually interesting). So I’ll post as much as I can, which limits me mostly to work days, which is almost everyday — so that shouldn’t be a problem.
Something compelled me to create a WordPress account today, and though I’m not sure what that was, I hope it keeps up. It’s been kinda nice to write in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way.
For now, I guess, I’m going to ride my bike around the grounds — and probably get yelled at by crotchety old folks — and enjoy this nice, 78-degree day. The Great Perhaps can wait until tomorrow.
P.S. Yes, that’s a photo of my own in the header, a springtime view of the Allegheny River. Ah, Bonaventure.
