Here returns a nowhere man, this time with a nowhere plan

I miss writing.

A lot.

It’s one of those things, like reading for pleasure, that gets lost in the shuffle of a college life. The only things I’ve written since my last post are class assignments, essays, final exam answers and Twitter updates, so hopefully tonight marks a new beginning for this journal. And there’s no reason it shouldn’t; I’m right around the corner from returning to Chautauqua, a place that tickles the intellectual inside me so much that last summer it was strange for me to go more than a day without collecting my thoughts here.

And so here I am, sitting in my shambles of a room, at home. Getting tired. Before midnight. This seems to be happening a lot lately, probably a message from my body that college is over and in reality, people go to sleep before 3 a.m. Probably.

Five major thoughts have been swimming through my mind recently, and I might as well get them out and see them in word form, since merely thinking is doing me no good.

1. I’m dealing with being done with Bonaventure a lot better than I ever thought I would. It’s almost making me uncomfortable how OK I’ve been with the whole situation. Of course I miss the place, I miss my roommates and all the stupid shit we’d do, I miss the Manatees and Él Stoopé’s visitors and I occasionally even miss the douche bags. I do miss it, but maybe I’m over it? I can’t place this feeling. I told Sue on my last day of work with her that I saw myself being a sobbing mess for a week after graduation, like a girl after a bad breakup, and she told me I was being ridiculous (“I don’t see you being that person,” she said). Come to find out she was right. In fact, I never cried once over the whole thing. I tried, good lord, I tried, especially when everyone else got all teary-eyed at the Hickey Tav that last night. My tear ducts of steel wouldn’t comply. I think of things every day that I’ll never get to do again, at least with the same people, but I don’t get sad. Maybe I’m just so glad it happened, it’s not something that could possibly make me sad. That’s how I’d like to think of it, anyway.
2. Where the hell are my signature summer albums? Last year by this time I was already driving with the windows down to the tune of Viva La Vida and Narrow Stairs, but this summer has been brutal so far. I get in my truck and don’t know what to pull up from my iPod. Passion Pit’s Manners is my only contender right now, and I’m not sure that’s it. At least for me. Sonic Youth have a new album coming out, and I’ve always kicked myself for not listening to them more, so I’ll give that a shot, too. Last summer must’ve spoiled me a little bit.
3. Excitement for Chautauqua has shot through the roof since last week. I’m excited to read and write and edit all the time. I’m especially excited to have my own room, and I’m quite glad that Sara’s coming back, too, so there’s at least one person I know I can turn to. I’m also sort of curious to see how this summer will be different, since I’m supposed to be the “superior” to the people who I also want as friends. I doubt any group of people will beat what we had last year, but I’m willing to give it a shot.
4. I applied for a job, one I really want, nearly a month ago and have heard nothing, positive or negative. Just when I was about to write it off, a friend who works in a different department of the same organization told me she didn’t hear back until more than three months after she applied. I’m taking this as fantastic news. If the same timetable is used with this job and I’m considered a candidate, I’d be interviewing just as the Chautauqua season (and my summer job) begin to wind down. The timing couldn’t be better. Of course, there are a ton of variables to the situation, but I’ll choose the most optimistic outcome.
5. Finally, I kinda-sorta have a dog. My very own dog. Not quite yet, but in six or seven weeks. Since high school, my parents have promised me a golden retriever as my college graduation present. The original plan was to wait until I got settled into whatever my post-grad life ended up being and then get one. But then, quite serendipitously, a litter of golden puppies ended up at our campground over the weekend, and, long story short, one of the boys is mine if I want him. And I’ve already picked him out and held him. So now, there’s plenty to consider: How does this little guy fit into my Chautauqua plans, can I provide him enough attention and care, am I financially ready to be responsible for a dog, how will he effect post-Chautauqua plans (if there are any)? Or am I, as I’m prone to do, just completely overthinking the situation? Ten percent of me wonders if I’m handcuffing myself. The other 90 percent just wants to go for it, because after all, it’s my very own dog! Six weeks to make a final decision.

So that’s life right now. The next three months are full of uncertainty, job searching and, possibly, apartment hunting. I can’t wait.